Imagine seeing germs.
Imagine you could see germs on the people around you.
Imagine those germs are the untruths, the myths, the self-deceptions, the stories, the lies, both big and small, that people tell each other and themselves every day.
That is what it’s like to be an INFJ empath like me.
For the first 55 years of my life, I suffered under the delusion that everyone was like me.
I couldn’t fathom why people were so, so inhuman and inhumane to others and themselves.
The casual untruths, the blatant lies, why did it only seem to affect me and not everyone else?
I had no idea that my psyche was missing a fourth wall.
That fourth wall that the 97% of humanity has and I don’t.
That fourth wall that keeps them disconnected from life.
This fourth wall allows them to act independently without regard to how their actions affect others.
This fourth wall I didn’t have brought me to the point of screaming, ”Let me out!”
After 55 years of taking on the sins of the world, I had painted myself into an actual black pit of darkness.
I saw no relief for the world or myself.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
The suffering, the pain, the hypocrisy, the betrayal, the lies, the anger, the hatred, the anger everywhere.
Like a dark black rain, it poured every day non-stop.
A ghost kept screaming in my ear I was useless.
Unloved.
I needed to end it.
As the day approached, a fairy light appeared in my dark oubliette and asked me to believe in love one last time…
If you know an INFJ empath, you know, even in the end, I couldn’t refuse to listen.
I found out that empaths do exist.
I found out it wasn’t science fiction like I thought it was.
I found out that all of the lies I saw were real.
My depression was caused by real-life circumstances, like losing my job, dreams, family, and love.
Those were real; any normal person would become as depressed as I was.
However, being an empath made it incomprehensibly worse than a normal person's.
I couldn’t separate other’s emotions from my own.
I fell into a spiral of doom.
I also found out that I needed to establish healthy barriers to my psychology to regulate the flow of the pain of this world.
I learned that everyone needs to have a mental health check-up at least once a year.
You probably don’t realize how screwed up you are and how many people know you’re screwed up but won’t tell you because they think that’s the way you are an asshole.
Now, I’m 63.
Now, I have built back love and restored hope.
I still see too much.
Being an empath is not a blessing unless you feel seeing everyones darkness is a happy thing.
But I’m here to say to fellow empaths it can be managed.
I learned it a bit late in life.
But I learned.
Peace
Daniel J. Frey aka Toby
